Jehovah in New Sex Scandal
The following article is from the Secular
Humanist Bulletin, Volume 14, Number 2.
Turmoil rocked Heaven today when it was reported that the god Jehovah had an affair
with a former worshipper. The scandal - dubbed "Pearly Gate" by reporters -
began when a 23 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to
Jehovah's "only begotten son."
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved Jehovah for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her intimate relationship with the god, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child." However, some doubt was cast on Mary's
credibility when she claimed not only to have been a virgin before her relationship with
Jehovah, but declared she was still a virgin even after giving birth.
Independent Counsel Kenneth Morning-Star (who prefers to be known by his Latinized name
"Lucifer") immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his
investigation. Lucifer wants to interview three foreign operatives, known as the
"Wise Men", about allegations that Jehovah used them to illegally funnel
financial contributions to his illegitimate child. Lucifer has issued subpoenas to several
angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that
Lucifer was originally appointed to investigate: that Jehovah had created large-scale
flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. Investigations into the
so-called "Flood Water" scandal are still on-going, but so far scientific
investigators have not been able to find any evidence of the alleged "Great
In recent months, Lucifer's investigation has been expanded to cover claims that
Jehovah's giveaway of a parcel of public land to a Jewish special interest group was a
quid pro quo for political contributions. Already some leaders of the Israelite tribes
have admitted Jehovah promised them a "land of milk and honey" in return for
unquestioning obedience. The deal ran into trouble when Jehovah learnt that some tribe
members had started paying tribute to rival gods. The Israelite occupation of the
"Promised Land" has also been attacked by rival tribes. But the Israelites have
dismissed the rival groups as "a band of Philistines."
If the "Pearly Gate" allegations prove to be true, they could be a fatal blow
to Jehovah's career, which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and
harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Opinion polls show that most public support for
Jehovah is based on his "tough-on-crime" campaign to enforce a series of strict
"Commandments." Opponents of the ten-point program have criticised it for
neglecting the rehabilitation of criminals, and argued that the "Name in Vain"
Commandment is an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
In a press conference this morning, Jehovah's Public Relations Director, Gabriel,
issued a vehement denial of all charges. Gabriel declared "Verily, I say unto you, no
improper sexual relationship existed." Jehovah himself no longer responds to personal
communications, and has refused to appear in public since his ill-tempered interview with
the investigative reporter Job.
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